I feel pretty good right now. Though I have “extensive liver mets”, they don’t bother me at all and are currently being held at bay by my medications. But I know it won’t stay that way. At some point, at a time that I cannot predict, the disease will start it’s march again.

I’m a member of several private Facebook groups that are dedicated solely to others with metastatic breast cancer. Every day I see posts from others who are in a very different place than me. Women who are trying to manage terrible pain with Fentanyl, Codeine, Oxycodone, alternative meds… whatever can make a dent in the pain. Some have debilitating fatigue that makes just getting out of bed a major accomplishment.

The course of Metastatic breast cancer is inevitabley downhill. But what differs from person to person is how steep that hill is. Could be a quick steep drop, a slow long decline, or a mixture.

For MBC survival rates, according to the MBCN, “Median survival after diagnosis is three years. There has been no statistically significant improvement in the past twenty years.” You hear about women who live for 20 years with MBC and others who live less than 6 months after diagnosis. There is no way to know where you will fall on that spectrum. This makes planning for the future rather sketchy.

I am currently working and no one at my job knows about my diagnosis. I can’t tell you how long I’ll be able to keep up that charade. For now, I’m on CDK6 inhibitors which means I don’t have that many visible signs of my disease. My hair texture sucks and I’ve gained 25 pounds but those can fly under the radar. I’m guessing at some point I may have to switch to IV chemo. At which point, my hair may go as will my incognito disease stature.

But again, I don’t know what type of hill I’m on. Will I get to see my child enter middle school or graduate from high school? How long will I be able to work? Will the end be quick and swift or painfully drawn out?

I realize that no one really knows when their time will come and that anyone could “get hit by a bus” at any time. However, most don’t have that proverbial bus following them every day, with it eventually speeding up, and with no way for me to get out of the road.

For the time being, I try to “live in the moment” and not think too much about what lies ahead. However, after almost two years at this, it has become more challenging as I try to plan for the unplannable and manage the unmanageble.